John 21:1-19
The Rev'd Richard Smith, Ph.D.
Married couples can testify. People like Leah and Cecil, Jan and Rebecca, Jack and Judy, Darryl and Stoner, Robert and Ann know this: It takes years and years to marry a man, years and years to marry a woman. Sometimes love comes easy, other times it’s damn hard. For most of us mortals, real, genuine love doesn’t happen overnight; it’s a matter of years, a matter of a lifetime. For many of us married folks, no matter how long we’ve been married, we’re always beginners.
Which brings us to the charcoal fire in today’s gospel from John. It’s on a beach, and Jesus is cooking breakfast for his disciples.
There’s only one other time John mentions a charcoal fire. It’s after Jesus’ arrest. That charcoal fire had burned in the courtyard outside where Jesus was being tried and tortured. In front of that fire stood Peter. It was night and it was cold and he was warming himself. It was there, over that fire, that Peter denied ever knowing Jesus, denied him three times.
Fast forward to today’s gospel and this other charcoal fire, the one on the beach. It is no longer dark; the dawn has finally broken. Over this fire stands Jesus cooking breakfast for his disciples.
After he serves them breakfast, he says to Peter, “Do you love me?" and Peter says he does. Then Jesus asks him the same question a second time and then once again, and each time Peter says he loves him--three times in all, to make up for the other three times.
But watch what’s happening under the surface here.
As he tells this simple and beautiful story, John is using two different Greek words for love. The words are agape and phileo.
Agape is the kind of love Jesus has for us. It is love to the end. Often it comes with joy, a sense of peace, deep satisfaction, but it can also require great sacrifice, even the laying down of one’s life. Agape.
By contrast, Phileo is more like bromance. It is the affection between good friends who like the camaraderie of hanging out with each other, swapping stories and favorite jokes, sharing common interests, enjoying meals together. Phileo.
When Jesus first asks Peter, “Do you love me?” the word he uses is agape, as if to say, “Peter do you love me with the same love I have for you, to the end?” But Peter, in a rare moment of humility and honesty, responds by using the word phileo, saying to Jesus in effect, “Well, I can’t honestly say I’d lay down my life for you. But you are my friend. I love you with brotherly love.” Peter is dodging the question here.
Jesus then asks a second time, again using agape, and Peter answers again using phileo, as if to say, “You’re my great buddy,” or as some of our neighbors like to say, “You’re my homey.”
A third time Jesus asks him, “Do you love me?” but this time it is Jesus who uses the word phileo--in other words he comes to Peter’s level and says, in effect, “OK, Peter, then you do at least love me with brotherly love, the love good friends have?”
And this makes Peter sad. He realizes Jesus is on to him and his evasions. So he now becomes more emphatic and says, “Lord, You know everything; You know what kind of a man I am. You know I denied you three times. You know that at this point in my life I can’t honestly say I love you as you love me. But I do love you as a brother and a friend. That much I can say. And for now, that’s the best I can do.”
Jesus then goes on to tell Peter that one day he will grow in love, one day laying down his life as Jesus had done. “When you were younger, you used to fasten your own belt and go wherever you wished. But when you grow old, you will stretch out your hands, and someone else will fasten a belt around you and take you where you do not wish to go.” Almost as if to say, “Peter I do understand that you love me now with only a brotherly love. But the day will come when you will finally be willing to die for me and you will give over your life. Then you will be able to say that you love me with agape love.”
Then Jesus says simply, “Follow me.” And Peter does.
And so the story continues, from that conversation by the fire on the beach to a life lived over many years, one day at a time, each day learning to love a bit more. Sometimes it’s two steps forward and one step back, there are bound to be misunderstandings and struggles. Perhaps among all the joy and satisfactions there will be more denials, temper tantrums, words spoken in haste, moments of cowardice, or moments when Peter’s own ego would get in the way.
This is how love works for most of us. It’s a journey with lots of ups and downs, with many joys and satisfactions. What is true in a marriage is also true in following Jesus: We don’t learn how to love overnight; it’s a matter of years, a matter of a lifetime.
It’s important that in all the ups and downs--when we don’t see the results we’d like from our hard work, or when tensions arise within the community, or when prayer feels tedious and hard, or when we betray our own deepest values--the important thing is that we not get discouraged but rather stay on the path of love. This is Peter’s story: over the years, each time he fails, he gets up again: a sinner in need of healing, resolved to follow the one who forgave him and who had called him that day on the beach, the one he came to love more and more fully to the end.
In all the ups and downs, all our failures and disappointments the important thing is to stay on the path. The important and necessary thing is to keep on loving.
